Hannah, good job on the name of your storybook, it really intrigued me! I absolutely love that you made a curse come to life! The fact that it has a blunt personality is pretty hilarious too. A curse is a great topic because there are so many examples of them in the stories we have read so far in the semester.
The intro did exactly what it was supposed to- drew me in, informed me, and left me wanting more. Design wise I like the picture of the truck in the intro that shows the nazar battu. Maybe make the word nazar battu a link so people can easily learn more about it. Also, I think it would be good to add some more pictures in the intro though of other things related to Indian curses. What if you changed out the picture on the home screen for something more intriguing like the truck?
WOW! How creative is it to take on a storybook from the perspective of a curse! This is super unique, and I love that!! I was super interested in the introduction, and I liked the picture you used of the bus. I also like that Curse seemed vengeful or miserable.. Maybe something made Curse feel the need to make everyone else miserable. I wonder how you will continue to personify Curse as you being in characters. I hope you use Rama and Sita and their love story because I feel like Rama was cursed with a lonely life when he caused Sita off. Then again, you could view it as Sita was cursed because she had to live a life without her true love Rama. I look forward to following that thought development. I also think it could be neat to use a more telling image for the banner on your home page. Something that tells a story entirely in itself! Anyway, I look forward to following this storybook!
Hannah, I really enjoyed reading the introduction for you storybook. The entire description kept the reader intrigued and on his/her toes. I love how you meticulously took your time to personify "Curse" as more than just a title and word by making it a character. The inquisitive sentences and "voice" of the passages really keeps the reader thinking about their own denotations of a "curse" and karma. I like how you emphasized the harshness of a curse and how it'/s self inflicted. I'm looking forward to the stories that you are going to focus on such as the Nazar battu. I'm curious as to what position you're going to take on the re-write of Pandu's life. I would suggest that you could focus on bettering you transition from the description and representation of "Curse" to the transition of your stories that you will be re-writing. I almost got confused, but you explained the stories and their relation to the curse. Also, how does the title Mistake and Promises tie into you stories? I really enjoyed reading this. You're a very skilled writer.
I really enjoyed reading the introduction for your storybook. I loved your use of personification for an intangible idea, and I think that it has the potential to be really powerful. I also loved your use of rhetorical questions to further characterize a curse as an idea; the indignance of the questions gives The Curse quite the bite, which seems like that is ultimately your goal. A few things I would recommend as you move forward:
Make sure you proof read. There were a few minor grammatical errors, and while this may not be a big deal to some, it can sometimes distract from the story itself.
Secondly, I think there are some words in here that could be replaced with some more powerful options. "Occur," for example, when describing how the curse presents itself could maybe be replaced with something like "I am found in many different forms," or " I can present myself in a number of ways."
Just a few things to keep in mind, but obviously, you should do what is most helpful and beneficial for you. Keep it up!
Hannah, this is a really creative storybook and I am extremely interested to see where it goes. I was only able to read the introduction so far but I will definitely be back in a few weeks before the end of the semester to come and see how the story progresses. It definitely does have a mysterious vibe to it that seems like it can be entertaining. The introduction definitely had an unknown factor to it that really draws the audience in and I believe that that is probably the whole point of the storybook. It is to act as a teaser for what is to come. I personally did the portfolio so I am not sure on the exact details of what the storybook entails. My only advice this far would maybe be add more pictures! I feel like pictures can definitely add a lot of scenery to a story. Great job!
Hi there! So I read your introduction this week. First off, I think it would be good to go over some pronoun consistencies in your writing. For example, you wrote "I am the pain in the butt that YOU people…" but then the last part of the sentence was "bring upon themselves." I like that you kept it simple, naming the narrator "Curse," but it would be cool if you could find another word that meant curse to name him. Perhaps one from the Indian language? I like that you wrote this in a way that made it easy to read. The language is rather casual, as if I was just talking to someone. This makes it more enjoyable to read. The spaces between the "paragraphs" are rather large though, almost triple spaced, which makes it a little weird-looking. I like that you also introduced all of the stories you will be writing about early on rather than having something open-ended. These are just my suggestions, but it is ultimately up to you as the author of your storybook. I'm looking forward to reading the rest!
Hannah, I like how you explain that Curse wants “people to do stupid things” so it can create havoc. What if you replaced the second “people” in that sentence with the word “them” so that the sentence sounds less repetitive? I really like the straightforward candor you have throughout this and think it is fitting for Curse to use, so great choice but I was a bit confused with the phrase “harshes my mellow.” What if you tweaked the wording in your last two sentences? This might read something like, “Follow my journey to see what can and will be done. Trust me, you’ll be more careful with your actions once I am finished with you!” I am just guessing that Curse might be a bit bossy, and this would be a good way to end his forewarning to the readers in a very dominant tone. I love the purpose of Curse, there is just a minor homonym error in the sentences which talk about it. The correct word is “soul”. I am excited to read more about the curses which Curse has inflicted and why!
I really like how you made your blog introduction kind of cryptic and mysterious. What if you added a theme that was dark and creepy to your blog? I am not really sure how to do that on Google sites but maybe there is a tech tip that could help you! When I first started reading the intro I thought that your storybook was going to be about karma. Maybe that would be another theme that could work in well with what you are writing about? I also think it would help if you explained what specific curse you are a little bit more clearly in the introduction. I really like how you are writing in first person as the curse though. It is not often that we see something kind of inanimate talking in first person. You could have a lot of fun and get really creative with that! Your blog looks great so far-keep up the good work!
Hi Hannah! So I really wish I knew more about Indian mythology, because I feel I would understand this introduction more (I am from the myth and folklore class). Even without knowing much though, I am intrigued by Curse. I am enjoying the informal tone of Curse. I would just make sure the whole storybook stays informal so it all fits. Is Curse an entity which curses people, or does it come about through other people cursing each other? I think you could definitely make this more clear (although, if I was in your class, maybe it would be. Perhaps keep that in consideration). If you made this clear, it would definitely explain what happens when Curse is angry and why that is a bad thing. So will your storybook only be two stories? Or will you split those two stories up into multiple pages? If you have more stories, I would mention them. It would also be good if Curse mentions how it will tell the story of the Nazar battle, because you say that Curse will tell the story of the Curse of Pandu. I am hoping that makes sense. Basically, you should introduce the stories by having Curse either just mention them, or say that it will tell the story of each. You could definitely expand on the introduction of these two stories and perhaps share why they are important to Curse. Other than that, I think your introduction is very well done and I'm actually curious to see how you write your stories.
Hi Hannah, this is a really cool concept for your storybook, as others have mentioned. This is a very unique idea for a storybook and I'm jealous that I could not do something as unique! I think you did a very good job on the introduction. I do think the introduction could use a bit more description, but it really is cool! One of the coolest things about this story idea is that you are telling it from the first person point of view. I think by doing this you are going to be able to accurately portray the "curse" that we a;; know and hate. Like CHandler said, if you were to incorporate characters from the Ramayana, that would be cool because we all have read that and would be able to better understand how you wish to portray curse. Great start, and I look forward to reading your storybook!
Hi, Hannah! First of all, I love the name of your storybook. I was immediately drawn to it when picking out who’s storybook I wanted to read this week! “Mistakes and Promises” is very unique and also vague enough to peak interest as to what mistakes and promises were made! When I discovered the plot of your storybook, I can definitely say I wasn’t disappointed. Your characterization of Curse is hilarious, and I thought your introduction was very intriguing and pretty much flawless! However, I was wondering where you were planning to go with your storybook. Are you simply going to discuss different stories on how Curse messed with people’s lives? Or are you elaborating on a certain story? In your first chapter “Evil Eye of Sani,” you brought in Sani who is Curse’s friend since he’s the god of bad luck. What if you expanded on relationships between Curse and other characters? You could even bring up Karma too!
Hi, Hannah! I'm back - I commented a few days ago about your general site and storybook theme and now I have read your first story. I appreciate that you're retelling stories that you have learned from this course, yet they are in the perspective of Curse! I love the design of the page with Sani's story, too.
Curse's narrative is so informal and full of dry-humor... I'm all about it! I love the way you write Curse's character and make him seem so relatable. From a grammar perspective for your feedback, there are a few difficult spots in the story to get through. There’s a place where you say Sribatsa was “trying and failing to swim,” and I think it needs more visually helpful details like “struggling to swim.” In the final paragraph of your story you say “a woman helped he get better.” Little details, though. Overall, I really enjoy this storybook and will continue to come back for more!
Hey, Hannah! It's nice to meet you! My name is John and I'm from the Mythology and Folklore class. You're storybook had an interesting title and that's why I decided to give it a read and give you my feedback! To start off, your intro was awesome! For a second there I was lost about who the narrator of the story was, but that was quickly explained. I never thought about telling a story from a curse's perspective. That really caught me off guard, but made me that much more interested in what your first story would be about. In your first story, I noticed that Curse commented on everything that happened. I actually found myself laughing here and there just thinking about what a Curse would be saying. Obviously, a Curse would want the people that it is placed on to be miserable and that seemed apparent from the dialogue that you input throughout your story. I found myself wondering if you're going to have "Blessing" or some other character similar to this introduced into the story in order to serve as antagonist to Curse. This might not be the direction you're going in, it is simply a suggestion. However, if you had a character like this in your story, they could serve as someone who keeps annoying Curse because of their constant blessings that they bestow on people. Anyway, great story! I look forward to reading more of you storybook in the future!
Hi Hannah, I'm Chrystal Brehm from Myth and Folklore. I love your storybook project. I really envy those that can turn inanimate objects into apparently living, thinking beings. I have a very difficult time visualizing things in that way. Then I see something like this and it makes complete sense. When I’m writing though, things never seem to present that way in my head. You’ve taken it even a step further and not only turned an inanimate OBJECT into a cognizant being, you’ve turned an IDEA into so much more. I also read “The Evil Eye of Sani” and really loved the story, so I wrote a short story about it myself. I’d love to hear what you think about mine, if you have the time and care to read it. Here is the link, if you want to look at it… http://brehmcsi.blogspot.com/2017/02/week-4-story-amelias-wisdom.html. I honestly think your project looks great and it’s a really intriguing idea. I don’t really see much to criticize at all. I noted a couple small type-0’s below but they’re all minor things. Good job on this.
You probably know me. Who am I kidding? EVERYONE knows me. I am the pain in the butt that you people bring upon *themselves. >> “…that you people bring upon yourselves.” or “that people bring upon themselves.” might be better. With the Nazar battu present, it makes it very difficult for me to bring my curses among people >> “With the Nazar battu present, it is very difficult for me…” or “The Nazar battu’s presence makes it very difficult for me…” may flow better. It doesn’t seem like there is agreement in your original sentence. So follow my journey as I show you will and can be done. >> I think there is just an extra word in this one or it is missing a word or something. I’m not sure what you’re trying to say. Maybe “So, follow my journey as I show you what will and can be done.”?
Hannah, I chose your storybook to read this week because I thought the title was simply amazing and really grabbed my interest. I started off by reading your introduction because I had not had the chance to do that yet and it really opened my eyes to what your storybook was going to be about. It was well written and extremely vibrant, which makes things exciting to read. I was pumped to read your first story as well! I think that your incorporation of the Curses comments was so essential into telling your story and I thought that it aded an exciting element to your story. Your simple one sentence ending was really good too. I can't wait to read more witty stories from you!
I think it’s really creative that you decided to tell the story from the perspective of the curse personified. I think the main thing that I would like to see improved upon in this storybook so far is the depth of character for the curse. I felt like the introduction gave a good amount of information on the role of curses and luck in Indian culture, but I would like to know more about why the curse you’ve written acts and thinks the way that it does. I guess I’m not buying the idea that all its actions are simply reflections of who the curse inherently is. Maybe you could somehow tie in the curse’s friendship with Sani to help explain its personality and why its so intent on tormenting the people that Sani sets it on. Overall, I thought that the story was well written, and I liked the cavalier attitude of the main character, but I just wanted a little more either backstory or explanation for why he is the way he is.
The personification of the curse is something really cool and unique that I think you are nailing on the head in your storybook! I think the story you have posted so far is very well written, vibrant, and makes the reader not want to turn away. Like Bethany said, it would be cool to have a more in depth description of character for the curse, but it's still very good! I am really jealous of your ability to personify things that most people have a very hard time personifying! i wish I was ablr to do these things, but I must say, reading your story has given me great direction on how I might go about doing this! I look forward to the nect story!
Good job with your story! I really enjoyed reading your take on the original story. I liked that the story was about the god and goddess of bad and good luck. This was an interesting take in the characters. I like that the curse is narrating the story as well. It was a good intro into the story and I liked how he was retelling everything it did. However I wanted more detail in your story. I realize that bad stuff was supposed to happen to them but I wanted to read more about why the people were doing terrible things to them. What was their motivation to do these things? Were they just doing them because bad things were supposed to happen to them? Or did those people have some kind of grudge with them? Overall your story was a good read and it made me want to read more of your stories later on. good job with this story!
First of all, I love the images you chose to add to your first story. They give the blog a surrealist feeling right off the bat because they are very artistic and kind of confusing images. It is really interesting how you personified the curse and I like the “voice” that you gave him. It seems like he is really mischievous but also kind of relaxed and he doesn’t really care too much. Your story was really good and interesting but I wonder if it would be easier for the readers to understand if you had some sort of introduction to the characters. You do a great job of introducing the curse in the intro, but if you gave us a little bit of an idea of who the characters are in your first story I think it would be much stronger. This looks great so far and I am looking forward to coming back to read more!
Hi Hannah! I really liked your project from this week! It was both closely related to the original story yet really creative. I also like the fact that you are taking on more of a narrator role/ominous entity role. I think it could also be fun to write a piece from the perspective of one of the characters as they go through these hardships and blame it on a curse! I also ditto Sydney's comment and agree that maybe you should consider adding in a character page to help the reader understand/connect with some of the characters better. Overall I really like the images that you are using, your writing style, and your involvement of these different characters. I look forward to reading more!
I enjoyed your introduction and how you were able to get right to the point on what will be the theme of your stories. I really liked how you described this "evil eye" and get your audience quickly entertained. I also like the form of speech you used. I felt like I was having a more personal conversation with you as you read instead of you just talking at me. Although I do have a few suggestions. I think your story could be stronger if you provided more imagery and storytelling within your actual story. It is important for your readers to know the surroundings of your character and the more description the better the story will be usually. Also within your actual story it seems more like you are stating events that occurred and maybe it might do well for your story if instead you spoke as if you were there. Other than that you are doing really well. A lot of suggestions we give is personal opinion and I personally believe you are doing well.
From the beginning, I have enjoyed your storybook. I have been intrigued by the idea of personifying karma. I think the intro is straightforward and to the point. I like this because I envision Karma to be more of an actions type of character. The words are less important for someone like Karma. For your first story, I like the way you have Karma and Bad Luck hangout. It only makes sense, right? I felt like you switched tenses a lot. Maybe I was struggling to understand how you were setting up the story, but that was something I noticed on my first time reading through. I also noticed some missing commas ( which I do every week.. whoops). I am sure that Dr. Gibbs will help with that, but maybe read your story out loud again. I usually find myself passing naturally when I read out loud. Those are the places I notice missing commas. You have a great storybook! I love the theme and your writing style! Keep up the good work!
The idea of a personified curse caught my attention from the start, and I love the idea of delving into the evil eye; it’s something I’ve always heard of, but don’t actually know that much about. Tying all this in with all the different curses tossed into the Indian epics is a great plan, too—there have been a few so far that seemed so random and unfair (I’m thinking of Pandu’s curse and Karna’s especially, both from their hunting accidents), so it’ll be interesting to see how you play with that and twist it around so these curses seem justified.
As for the first story, the opening was perfect—the voice cracked me up and did a great job of solidifying the characterization you’ve got going for Curse, and I love the idea of Sani being a little too sensitive for Curse’s taste. You mention in your author’s note how judgmental Curse is, and I think that’s a huge part of what makes this so fun to read (along with his irreverent tone). My only suggestion is that you might consider exploring a little bit of where that judgment is coming from in your introduction: he clearly loves punishing people, but is that because he’s just gleefully bad, or because he thinks he’s doing the right thing and takes his job seriously (with a little bit of trickster flair to boot?). Either way, this was a ton of fun, and I really enjoyed it. Nicely done!
You have a lively point-of-view that draws the reader in, one marked by unrestrained narcissism and "Jerkass Has a Point" vibes. Very nice.
I'd like to know more about the Evil Eye. You can give only vague hints as to its details, but foreshadowing it like you do with the Curse on Pandu will make it more interesting.
I'd also suggest separating the Nazar battu and Evil Eye into separate paragraphs and finding a link between them in the introduction's flow. Together, the paragraph doesn't have a focus on one idea.
Paragraph 8, Sentence 1. I don't know what this means. "You will and can be done" what?
Overall, solid introduction with amusing and attractive point-of-view narration. Needs a few touch-ups in writing for coherence and focus, and a bit of a hook in the Evil Eye, but still solid.
Good work.
EVIL EYE OF SANI:
We continue with the snarky point-of-view that attracted readers, and while funny, I do wonder why so flippant and assured about everything?
Why is Sani not putting the bad luck into action himself? Lakshmi is protecting the couple from curses as the goddess of good luck, so why does the god of bad luck get his friend to do his work?
What happened after the competition between Sani and Lakshmi? It may or may not play into the story in a major way, but it ties up a loose end.
Paragraph 5. The woodcutter joke. I don't get it. Is this supposed to imply the dangers of being a lumberjack or something along those lines?
Awkward repetition of "next time" at the end.
I didn't really see much of Sani's Evil Eye here. I'd assume it stems from Sani's behavior rather than being an artifact, so you should probably incorporate that into the plot.
Overall, your point-of-view is still attractive and I still find your premise interesting. Giving some plot points more coherence and resolution will make your characters more interesting and realistic.
Hannah, woah… I am SO intrigued with this entire concept that you have going on for your storybook. I only wish that your introduction had more detail and was a little bit more lengthy, just because I have so many questions! (But that may be what you intend - if so, bravo!) I really enjoy that you’ll be writing this story in the first person point of view. That’s really so unique, and I am actually kind of mad at myself for not thinking of it for my own storybook! I feel like you could go so many different ways with this story line. Will you be incorporating any of the characters from the Ramayana? I think it would be so funny to talk about their story and have “Curse” lurking in the shadows waiting to strike and allowing Ravana to kidnap Sita, or something like that! I may have the wrong idea about what direction you want to go, but either way, I can’t wait to come back and read more!
Hannah, I really enjoyed your story. I thought that you had a whole lot of good thought in it and that your structure was really great too. While reading your story I was very intrigued and wanted to know more about your story and more about the background of the story. It was cool to see how your story was written in the point of view of, what I believe, was a persons thoughts and desires that he had to curse somebody. I like how your character was friends with the god of bad luck and how he made him a friend to do what he asked. I am curious to see what way you are going to go in this story and how you are going to continue to create this story. I was a little confused about parts of the story, but overall I think that it was a really great story. Great job.
Hannah, I like the evil eye and the story that you have written here. I got a little mixed up in the beginning because of so many names being introduced all at the same time. After reading your author’s note I realize it is necessary, but perhaps you could place the author’s note at the beginning or separate the characters with a little more description. I think it is fun how you decided to put a modern twist, and I absolutely love the plastic chair versus the lazyboy. Since the chair is what was taken as the insult and caused the curse to be placed upon Sribatsa maybe you could emphasize this more in some way. The curse could laugh about the choice of seats and say something along the lines of “that was a dumb move.” Since you do a great job of bringing his snarky attitude to light in the story, I think that would clear up some confusion as to why Curse knew he would be following him around for the next three years. Good job!
Hi, Hannah! I love the changes you’ve made to your storybook since I’ve last read it! The modernization and characterizations of your story and the people in it. I like how your story has this cool concept of personifying Curse as a very sarcastic and sassy character who’s telling stories about experiences and encounters with friends and their drama. The only thing I was wondering was where you were going with this story. My last comment was about a month ago in mid-March, and although I did see changes in your story and character development from your introduction and first chapter, I noticed there wasn’t anything else that was different – namely another chapter. Have you written another one but haven’t published it yet? Also, do you have planned what other cursed characters you want to talk about? What you have is great right now, and I’m sure the rest of your storybook will finish out strongly as well!
Hi Hannah. This was such an interesting storybook! I loved your introduction. I like how Curse is telling the story. I like that you used personification in your storybook because this is a feature I haven’t really noticed in most storybooks. There was also some sarcastic humor in your introduction, which I enjoyed! Haha. However, I was a little confused when I saw your homepage. I feel like you could add in a bit more detail there to capture attention. You could add in more images, or possibly even some quotes that deal with curses. I like how a lazyboy was the replacement in your storybook! This still had the feel of the original story, but with a touch of modern day. I think you did a great job with the layout, as well. It immediately made me think of sleek and modern. Evil Eye of Sani was very well written. My favorite part was attitude of Sani and Lakshmi in your story. Great work!
Hannah, good job on the name of your storybook, it really intrigued me! I absolutely love that you made a curse come to life! The fact that it has a blunt personality is pretty hilarious too. A curse is a great topic because there are so many examples of them in the stories we have read so far in the semester.
ReplyDeleteThe intro did exactly what it was supposed to- drew me in, informed me, and left me wanting more. Design wise I like the picture of the truck in the intro that shows the nazar battu. Maybe make the word nazar battu a link so people can easily learn more about it. Also, I think it would be good to add some more pictures in the intro though of other things related to Indian curses. What if you changed out the picture on the home screen for something more intriguing like the truck?
Overall great job on the start of your storybook!
WOW! How creative is it to take on a storybook from the perspective of a curse! This is super unique, and I love that!! I was super interested in the introduction, and I liked the picture you used of the bus. I also like that Curse seemed vengeful or miserable.. Maybe something made Curse feel the need to make everyone else miserable. I wonder how you will continue to personify Curse as you being in characters. I hope you use Rama and Sita and their love story because I feel like Rama was cursed with a lonely life when he caused Sita off. Then again, you could view it as Sita was cursed because she had to live a life without her true love Rama. I look forward to following that thought development. I also think it could be neat to use a more telling image for the banner on your home page. Something that tells a story entirely in itself! Anyway, I look forward to following this storybook!
ReplyDeleteHannah, I really enjoyed reading the introduction for you storybook. The entire description kept the reader intrigued and on his/her toes. I love how you meticulously took your time to personify "Curse" as more than just a title and word by making it a character. The inquisitive sentences and "voice" of the passages really keeps the reader thinking about their own denotations of a "curse" and karma. I like how you emphasized the harshness of a curse and how it'/s self inflicted. I'm looking forward to the stories that you are going to focus on such as the Nazar battu. I'm curious as to what position you're going to take on the re-write of Pandu's life. I would suggest that you could focus on bettering you transition from the description and representation of "Curse" to the transition of your stories that you will be re-writing. I almost got confused, but you explained the stories and their relation to the curse. Also, how does the title Mistake and Promises tie into you stories? I really enjoyed reading this. You're a very skilled writer.
ReplyDeleteHi Hannah!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading the introduction for your storybook. I loved your use of personification for an intangible idea, and I think that it has the potential to be really powerful. I also loved your use of rhetorical questions to further characterize a curse as an idea; the indignance of the questions gives The Curse quite the bite, which seems like that is ultimately your goal. A few things I would recommend as you move forward:
Make sure you proof read. There were a few minor grammatical errors, and while this may not be a big deal to some, it can sometimes distract from the story itself.
Secondly, I think there are some words in here that could be replaced with some more powerful options. "Occur," for example, when describing how the curse presents itself could maybe be replaced with something like "I am found in many different forms," or " I can present myself in a number of ways."
Just a few things to keep in mind, but obviously, you should do what is most helpful and beneficial for you. Keep it up!
Hannah, this is a really creative storybook and I am extremely interested to see where it goes. I was only able to read the introduction so far but I will definitely be back in a few weeks before the end of the semester to come and see how the story progresses. It definitely does have a mysterious vibe to it that seems like it can be entertaining.
ReplyDeleteThe introduction definitely had an unknown factor to it that really draws the audience in and I believe that that is probably the whole point of the storybook. It is to act as a teaser for what is to come. I personally did the portfolio so I am not sure on the exact details of what the storybook entails. My only advice this far would maybe be add more pictures! I feel like pictures can definitely add a lot of scenery to a story. Great job!
Hi there! So I read your introduction this week. First off, I think it would be good to go over some pronoun consistencies in your writing. For example, you wrote "I am the pain in the butt that YOU people…" but then the last part of the sentence was "bring upon themselves." I like that you kept it simple, naming the narrator "Curse," but it would be cool if you could find another word that meant curse to name him. Perhaps one from the Indian language? I like that you wrote this in a way that made it easy to read. The language is rather casual, as if I was just talking to someone. This makes it more enjoyable to read. The spaces between the "paragraphs" are rather large though, almost triple spaced, which makes it a little weird-looking. I like that you also introduced all of the stories you will be writing about early on rather than having something open-ended. These are just my suggestions, but it is ultimately up to you as the author of your storybook. I'm looking forward to reading the rest!
ReplyDeleteHannah,
ReplyDeleteI like how you explain that Curse wants “people to do stupid things” so it can create havoc. What if you replaced the second “people” in that sentence with the word “them” so that the sentence sounds less repetitive?
I really like the straightforward candor you have throughout this and think it is fitting for Curse to use, so great choice but I was a bit confused with the phrase “harshes my mellow.”
What if you tweaked the wording in your last two sentences? This might read something like, “Follow my journey to see what can and will be done. Trust me, you’ll be more careful with your actions once I am finished with you!” I am just guessing that Curse might be a bit bossy, and this would be a good way to end his forewarning to the readers in a very dominant tone. I love the purpose of Curse, there is just a minor homonym error in the sentences which talk about it. The correct word is “soul”. I am excited to read more about the curses which Curse has inflicted and why!
I really like how you made your blog introduction kind of cryptic and mysterious. What if you added a theme that was dark and creepy to your blog? I am not really sure how to do that on Google sites but maybe there is a tech tip that could help you! When I first started reading the intro I thought that your storybook was going to be about karma. Maybe that would be another theme that could work in well with what you are writing about? I also think it would help if you explained what specific curse you are a little bit more clearly in the introduction. I really like how you are writing in first person as the curse though. It is not often that we see something kind of inanimate talking in first person. You could have a lot of fun and get really creative with that! Your blog looks great so far-keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHi Hannah! So I really wish I knew more about Indian mythology, because I feel I would understand this introduction more (I am from the myth and folklore class). Even without knowing much though, I am intrigued by Curse. I am enjoying the informal tone of Curse. I would just make sure the whole storybook stays informal so it all fits. Is Curse an entity which curses people, or does it come about through other people cursing each other? I think you could definitely make this more clear (although, if I was in your class, maybe it would be. Perhaps keep that in consideration). If you made this clear, it would definitely explain what happens when Curse is angry and why that is a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteSo will your storybook only be two stories? Or will you split those two stories up into multiple pages? If you have more stories, I would mention them. It would also be good if Curse mentions how it will tell the story of the Nazar battle, because you say that Curse will tell the story of the Curse of Pandu. I am hoping that makes sense. Basically, you should introduce the stories by having Curse either just mention them, or say that it will tell the story of each. You could definitely expand on the introduction of these two stories and perhaps share why they are important to Curse. Other than that, I think your introduction is very well done and I'm actually curious to see how you write your stories.
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ReplyDeleteHi Hannah, this is a really cool concept for your storybook, as others have mentioned. This is a very unique idea for a storybook and I'm jealous that I could not do something as unique! I think you did a very good job on the introduction. I do think the introduction could use a bit more description, but it really is cool! One of the coolest things about this story idea is that you are telling it from the first person point of view. I think by doing this you are going to be able to accurately portray the "curse" that we a;; know and hate. Like CHandler said, if you were to incorporate characters from the Ramayana, that would be cool because we all have read that and would be able to better understand how you wish to portray curse. Great start, and I look forward to reading your storybook!
ReplyDeleteHi, Hannah! First of all, I love the name of your storybook. I was immediately drawn to it when picking out who’s storybook I wanted to read this week! “Mistakes and Promises” is very unique and also vague enough to peak interest as to what mistakes and promises were made! When I discovered the plot of your storybook, I can definitely say I wasn’t disappointed. Your characterization of Curse is hilarious, and I thought your introduction was very intriguing and pretty much flawless! However, I was wondering where you were planning to go with your storybook. Are you simply going to discuss different stories on how Curse messed with people’s lives? Or are you elaborating on a certain story? In your first chapter “Evil Eye of Sani,” you brought in Sani who is Curse’s friend since he’s the god of bad luck. What if you expanded on relationships between Curse and other characters? You could even bring up Karma too!
ReplyDeleteHi, Hannah! I'm back - I commented a few days ago about your general site and storybook theme and now I have read your first story. I appreciate that you're retelling stories that you have learned from this course, yet they are in the perspective of Curse! I love the design of the page with Sani's story, too.
ReplyDeleteCurse's narrative is so informal and full of dry-humor... I'm all about it! I love the way you write Curse's character and make him seem so relatable. From a grammar perspective for your feedback, there are a few difficult spots in the story to get through. There’s a place where you say Sribatsa was “trying and failing to swim,” and I think it needs more visually helpful details like “struggling to swim.” In the final paragraph of your story you say “a woman helped he get better.” Little details, though. Overall, I really enjoy this storybook and will continue to come back for more!
Hey, Hannah! It's nice to meet you! My name is John and I'm from the Mythology and Folklore class. You're storybook had an interesting title and that's why I decided to give it a read and give you my feedback!
ReplyDeleteTo start off, your intro was awesome! For a second there I was lost about who the narrator of the story was, but that was quickly explained. I never thought about telling a story from a curse's perspective. That really caught me off guard, but made me that much more interested in what your first story would be about.
In your first story, I noticed that Curse commented on everything that happened. I actually found myself laughing here and there just thinking about what a Curse would be saying. Obviously, a Curse would want the people that it is placed on to be miserable and that seemed apparent from the dialogue that you input throughout your story.
I found myself wondering if you're going to have "Blessing" or some other character similar to this introduced into the story in order to serve as antagonist to Curse. This might not be the direction you're going in, it is simply a suggestion.
However, if you had a character like this in your story, they could serve as someone who keeps annoying Curse because of their constant blessings that they bestow on people. Anyway, great story! I look forward to reading more of you storybook in the future!
Hi Hannah, I'm Chrystal Brehm from Myth and Folklore.
ReplyDeleteI love your storybook project. I really envy those that can turn inanimate objects into apparently living, thinking beings. I have a very difficult time visualizing things in that way. Then I see something like this and it makes complete sense. When I’m writing though, things never seem to present that way in my head. You’ve taken it even a step further and not only turned an inanimate OBJECT into a cognizant being, you’ve turned an IDEA into so much more.
I also read “The Evil Eye of Sani” and really loved the story, so I wrote a short story about it myself. I’d love to hear what you think about mine, if you have the time and care to read it. Here is the link, if you want to look at it… http://brehmcsi.blogspot.com/2017/02/week-4-story-amelias-wisdom.html. I honestly think your project looks great and it’s a really intriguing idea. I don’t really see much to criticize at all. I noted a couple small type-0’s below but they’re all minor things. Good job on this.
You probably know me. Who am I kidding? EVERYONE knows me. I am the pain in the butt that you people bring upon *themselves. >> “…that you people bring upon yourselves.” or “that people bring upon themselves.” might be better.
With the Nazar battu present, it makes it very difficult for me to bring my curses among people >> “With the Nazar battu present, it is very difficult for me…” or “The Nazar battu’s presence makes it very difficult for me…” may flow better. It doesn’t seem like there is agreement in your original sentence.
So follow my journey as I show you will and can be done. >> I think there is just an extra word in this one or it is missing a word or something. I’m not sure what you’re trying to say. Maybe “So, follow my journey as I show you what will and can be done.”?
Hannah, I chose your storybook to read this week because I thought the title was simply amazing and really grabbed my interest. I started off by reading your introduction because I had not had the chance to do that yet and it really opened my eyes to what your storybook was going to be about. It was well written and extremely vibrant, which makes things exciting to read. I was pumped to read your first story as well! I think that your incorporation of the Curses comments was so essential into telling your story and I thought that it aded an exciting element to your story. Your simple one sentence ending was really good too. I can't wait to read more witty stories from you!
ReplyDeleteI think it’s really creative that you decided to tell the story from the perspective of the curse personified. I think the main thing that I would like to see improved upon in this storybook so far is the depth of character for the curse. I felt like the introduction gave a good amount of information on the role of curses and luck in Indian culture, but I would like to know more about why the curse you’ve written acts and thinks the way that it does. I guess I’m not buying the idea that all its actions are simply reflections of who the curse inherently is. Maybe you could somehow tie in the curse’s friendship with Sani to help explain its personality and why its so intent on tormenting the people that Sani sets it on. Overall, I thought that the story was well written, and I liked the cavalier attitude of the main character, but I just wanted a little more either backstory or explanation for why he is the way he is.
ReplyDeleteThe personification of the curse is something really cool and unique that I think you are nailing on the head in your storybook! I think the story you have posted so far is very well written, vibrant, and makes the reader not want to turn away. Like Bethany said, it would be cool to have a more in depth description of character for the curse, but it's still very good! I am really jealous of your ability to personify things that most people have a very hard time personifying! i wish I was ablr to do these things, but I must say, reading your story has given me great direction on how I might go about doing this! I look forward to the nect story!
ReplyDeleteGood job with your story! I really enjoyed reading your take on the original story. I liked that the story was about the god and goddess of bad and good luck. This was an interesting take in the characters. I like that the curse is narrating the story as well. It was a good intro into the story and I liked how he was retelling everything it did. However I wanted more detail in your story. I realize that bad stuff was supposed to happen to them but I wanted to read more about why the people were doing terrible things to them. What was their motivation to do these things? Were they just doing them because bad things were supposed to happen to them? Or did those people have some kind of grudge with them? Overall your story was a good read and it made me want to read more of your stories later on. good job with this story!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love the images you chose to add to your first story. They give the blog a surrealist feeling right off the bat because they are very artistic and kind of confusing images. It is really interesting how you personified the curse and I like the “voice” that you gave him. It seems like he is really mischievous but also kind of relaxed and he doesn’t really care too much. Your story was really good and interesting but I wonder if it would be easier for the readers to understand if you had some sort of introduction to the characters. You do a great job of introducing the curse in the intro, but if you gave us a little bit of an idea of who the characters are in your first story I think it would be much stronger. This looks great so far and I am looking forward to coming back to read more!
ReplyDeleteHi Hannah! I really liked your project from this week! It was both closely related to the original story yet really creative. I also like the fact that you are taking on more of a narrator role/ominous entity role. I think it could also be fun to write a piece from the perspective of one of the characters as they go through these hardships and blame it on a curse! I also ditto Sydney's comment and agree that maybe you should consider adding in a character page to help the reader understand/connect with some of the characters better. Overall I really like the images that you are using, your writing style, and your involvement of these different characters. I look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteHannah,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your introduction and how you were able to get right to the point on what will be the theme of your stories. I really liked how you described this "evil eye" and get your audience quickly entertained. I also like the form of speech you used. I felt like I was having a more personal conversation with you as you read instead of you just talking at me. Although I do have a few suggestions. I think your story could be stronger if you provided more imagery and storytelling within your actual story. It is important for your readers to know the surroundings of your character and the more description the better the story will be usually. Also within your actual story it seems more like you are stating events that occurred and maybe it might do well for your story if instead you spoke as if you were there. Other than that you are doing really well. A lot of suggestions we give is personal opinion and I personally believe you are doing well.
From the beginning, I have enjoyed your storybook. I have been intrigued by the idea of personifying karma. I think the intro is straightforward and to the point. I like this because I envision Karma to be more of an actions type of character. The words are less important for someone like Karma. For your first story, I like the way you have Karma and Bad Luck hangout. It only makes sense, right? I felt like you switched tenses a lot. Maybe I was struggling to understand how you were setting up the story, but that was something I noticed on my first time reading through. I also noticed some missing commas ( which I do every week.. whoops). I am sure that Dr. Gibbs will help with that, but maybe read your story out loud again. I usually find myself passing naturally when I read out loud. Those are the places I notice missing commas. You have a great storybook! I love the theme and your writing style! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteThe idea of a personified curse caught my attention from the start, and I love the idea of delving into the evil eye; it’s something I’ve always heard of, but don’t actually know that much about. Tying all this in with all the different curses tossed into the Indian epics is a great plan, too—there have been a few so far that seemed so random and unfair (I’m thinking of Pandu’s curse and Karna’s especially, both from their hunting accidents), so it’ll be interesting to see how you play with that and twist it around so these curses seem justified.
ReplyDeleteAs for the first story, the opening was perfect—the voice cracked me up and did a great job of solidifying the characterization you’ve got going for Curse, and I love the idea of Sani being a little too sensitive for Curse’s taste. You mention in your author’s note how judgmental Curse is, and I think that’s a huge part of what makes this so fun to read (along with his irreverent tone). My only suggestion is that you might consider exploring a little bit of where that judgment is coming from in your introduction: he clearly loves punishing people, but is that because he’s just gleefully bad, or because he thinks he’s doing the right thing and takes his job seriously (with a little bit of trickster flair to boot?). Either way, this was a ton of fun, and I really enjoyed it. Nicely done!
INTRODUCTION:
ReplyDeleteYou have a lively point-of-view that draws the reader in, one marked by unrestrained narcissism and "Jerkass Has a Point" vibes. Very nice.
I'd like to know more about the Evil Eye. You can give only vague hints as to its details, but foreshadowing it like you do with the Curse on Pandu will make it more interesting.
I'd also suggest separating the Nazar battu and Evil Eye into separate paragraphs and finding a link between them in the introduction's flow. Together, the paragraph doesn't have a focus on one idea.
Paragraph 8, Sentence 1. I don't know what this means. "You will and can be done" what?
Overall, solid introduction with amusing and attractive point-of-view narration. Needs a few touch-ups in writing for coherence and focus, and a bit of a hook in the Evil Eye, but still solid.
Good work.
EVIL EYE OF SANI:
We continue with the snarky point-of-view that attracted readers, and while funny, I do wonder why so flippant and assured about everything?
Why is Sani not putting the bad luck into action himself? Lakshmi is protecting the couple from curses as the goddess of good luck, so why does the god of bad luck get his friend to do his work?
What happened after the competition between Sani and Lakshmi? It may or may not play into the story in a major way, but it ties up a loose end.
Paragraph 5. The woodcutter joke. I don't get it. Is this supposed to imply the dangers of being a lumberjack or something along those lines?
Awkward repetition of "next time" at the end.
I didn't really see much of Sani's Evil Eye here. I'd assume it stems from Sani's behavior rather than being an artifact, so you should probably incorporate that into the plot.
Overall, your point-of-view is still attractive and I still find your premise interesting. Giving some plot points more coherence and resolution will make your characters more interesting and realistic.
Good work, here.
Hannah, woah… I am SO intrigued with this entire concept that you have going on for your storybook. I only wish that your introduction had more detail and was a little bit more lengthy, just because I have so many questions! (But that may be what you intend - if so, bravo!) I really enjoy that you’ll be writing this story in the first person point of view. That’s really so unique, and I am actually kind of mad at myself for not thinking of it for my own storybook! I feel like you could go so many different ways with this story line. Will you be incorporating any of the characters from the Ramayana? I think it would be so funny to talk about their story and have “Curse” lurking in the shadows waiting to strike and allowing Ravana to kidnap Sita, or something like that! I may have the wrong idea about what direction you want to go, but either way, I can’t wait to come back and read more!
ReplyDeleteHannah, I really enjoyed your story. I thought that you had a whole lot of good thought in it and that your structure was really great too. While reading your story I was very intrigued and wanted to know more about your story and more about the background of the story. It was cool to see how your story was written in the point of view of, what I believe, was a persons thoughts and desires that he had to curse somebody. I like how your character was friends with the god of bad luck and how he made him a friend to do what he asked. I am curious to see what way you are going to go in this story and how you are going to continue to create this story. I was a little confused about parts of the story, but overall I think that it was a really great story. Great job.
ReplyDeleteHannah,
ReplyDeleteI like the evil eye and the story that you have written here. I got a little mixed up in the beginning because of so many names being introduced all at the same time. After reading your author’s note I realize it is necessary, but perhaps you could place the author’s note at the beginning or separate the characters with a little more description.
I think it is fun how you decided to put a modern twist, and I absolutely love the plastic chair versus the lazyboy. Since the chair is what was taken as the insult and caused the curse to be placed upon Sribatsa maybe you could emphasize this more in some way. The curse could laugh about the choice of seats and say something along the lines of “that was a dumb move.” Since you do a great job of bringing his snarky attitude to light in the story, I think that would clear up some confusion as to why Curse knew he would be following him around for the next three years.
Good job!
Hi, Hannah! I love the changes you’ve made to your storybook since I’ve last read it! The modernization and characterizations of your story and the people in it. I like how your story has this cool concept of personifying Curse as a very sarcastic and sassy character who’s telling stories about experiences and encounters with friends and their drama. The only thing I was wondering was where you were going with this story. My last comment was about a month ago in mid-March, and although I did see changes in your story and character development from your introduction and first chapter, I noticed there wasn’t anything else that was different – namely another chapter. Have you written another one but haven’t published it yet? Also, do you have planned what other cursed characters you want to talk about? What you have is great right now, and I’m sure the rest of your storybook will finish out strongly as well!
ReplyDeleteHi Hannah. This was such an interesting storybook! I loved your introduction. I like how Curse is telling the story. I like that you used personification in your storybook because this is a feature I haven’t really noticed in most storybooks. There was also some sarcastic humor in your introduction, which I enjoyed! Haha. However, I was a little confused when I saw your homepage. I feel like you could add in a bit more detail there to capture attention. You could add in more images, or possibly even some quotes that deal with curses. I like how a lazyboy was the replacement in your storybook! This still had the feel of the original story, but with a touch of modern day. I think you did a great job with the layout, as well. It immediately made me think of sleek and modern. Evil Eye of Sani was very well written. My favorite part was attitude of Sani and Lakshmi in your story. Great work!
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